‘The masculine’s reach and depth in intimacy is guided by the openness of the feminine (the feminine’s openness is vast and infinite) and the feminine can only open as far as the masculine’s presence. Both partners share a responsibility in the dance of intimacy to cultivate more presence, more openness and more depth’
While I was in my little research and reflection bubble trying to piece this download together and as always when you are sitting in a place of openness, deeply listening and tuning in – along came another, and he was highlighting the essence of what I wanted to share. I loved the synchronicity in the timing of his share, mostly as it was being shared from the male’s perspective…
“The most embodied women in fact lead behind the scenes. It is the connection she has with her own creator energy that informs the man on how to move and where to lead next. When it comes to sex, you [the male] are not there to do something to her – you are there to listen, deeply, to her responses – to her every ripple, her every undulation. To follow her response. She may feel as though she is being led by you, but really you are listening. It is not leading, it is listening – potent leadership comes from listening.”
I often doubt myself speaking and educating men directly on how to be ‘better’ lovers although I feel incredibly drawn and in service to this. I often ask myself if I have the right to do so, and if doing so am I overstepping an imaginary boundary, natural order or polarity code within the universe.
And then I remind myself once again, if this were easy, without challenge, if I didn’t feel as though I was leaning into a very large (and often scary) edge, would that make it anymore right? I too come up against deep imprints, because this is exactly what this work IS – it is the unwinding and dissolving of the many layers of external influence coating our existence in search of our truth.
I also have no doubt it can be a sensitive topic for men to receive. To hear from their counterparts and lovers that we hope and desire for them to be ‘better’ when it comes to intimacy and lovemaking. It can trigger wounds in the male psyche. It can be hard to hear. But it is important. More than ever in the time of online dating and pornography.
The desire to explore this topic further and to write it all down, came to me when recently I asked a handful of girlfriends ‘Have you truly had an experience where you felt your recent or a past lover was truly attuned to your body when being intimate?’ and what I meant by this was – have you had a lover listen and respond to the non verbal cues of your body and leave you feeling like you had been fully seen, heard and understood during the art of making love?
All said no.
With all my work in the realm of sexuality, in training containers which are full of touch and attuning practices with men, in all of my own personal sexual experiences, practices and reflections on what makes a good lover – this is what stands out as the most foundational and desired skill for the most connected, and most pleasurable of experiences.
So I went on to ask my girlfriends ‘What do you feel is the main difference between a great and a not so great experience?’ The answer was unanimous – when my partner slows down, listens and responds to my pleasure. When there is a shift in focus from performance to presence, and a tuning-in to the subtle signals.
Attuning – Listening And Responding
Being a great lover is not just about technique, in fact technique can be heady. It takes us outside of the body and into our heads. It is equivalent to following a manual, or a script and it also says what works for one person should work for every person. Noone’s pleasures, fantasies, desires or turn ons are exactly the same. It is a never-ending, wild, colourful and delicious spectrum spanning light years.
It opposes intuition, and the sense of feeling. It is the opposite of listening and responding.
The place for technique should come into play when we are to respond with the right tool. Have your techniques and your tools but use them when the right moment presents itself… just like a nail requires a hammer, a screw needs a screwdriver – this is the extent of my knowledge around these types of tools – but you get what I mean!
And yes, while I agree with many others who say knowing personally what turns us on and up, the relationship we have with our own pleasure, and our ability to communicate using words – is important and vital, I feel this can only take us so far.
The Feminine Yearns To Be Seen By The Masculine
While most of us desire to be fully seen, heard and understood, the feminine naturally, biologically and psychologically yearns to be seen and met by the masculine. We require to be met at our heart space in order to fully surrender and to open to both you, our lovers and to the full extent of our pleasure.
The ability to fully see and hear us happens for you when you are present, not just physically, but present with the energetic undercurrents of our bodies.
It is learning how to sense a woman’s needs and desires. It is when you listen not just with your ears but with your whole being to the subtle shifts in energy, to the way she moves, what sounds she makes, her breath, does she feel tense, is she softening, what other other gestures can you read – where are her hands… and you respond in accordance to what you hear. This is where the connection deepens, this is where the pleasure intensifies.
Attuning To The Female Body
For many men, understanding how to attune (listen and respond) to the female body can be challenging. Especially if it goes against an innate way of interpreting and responding to the world around you.
It is an invitation to shift gears. From performance and action to being and responding to sensation. When a man learns to be fully present, slow down, listen and respond to the subtleties of the woman he is making love with, he taps into her desires, her yearnings and creates a space where she feels safe to open and be fully alive in his presence. Creating more space for her pleasure, and more space for yours.
It is one of the most powerful practices and gifts you can bring to your intimate relationships.
1. Tune Into The Subtle Exchange Of Energy Without Touching
Arousal starts long before bodies meet. It begins with anticipation, in the subtle exchange of energy. Notice this exchange and its connection to your sensation and responses.
Then feel the energy in the room. And now feel her energy. If this doesn’t come easy for you or perhaps you haven’t yet slowed down because you have rushed home from work or you have your mind on something else, take a breath, take a couple of breaths. Slow down. Come fully into the room, be in the room. Look at her. Now feel her (not physically but her energy). Does she feel tense? Does she feel relaxed? Does she herself feel present?
This is attuning.
2. Presence And Awareness In Every Moment
We have all let our minds wander during intimate moments, and it quite often shows and is felt. Women notice when you’re not present. Bring yourself back to the space, to your body, to her.
Look into her eyes, notice her breath. Her sounds. Her movements. Follow the contours of her arms, her hands, her waist or her inner thigh with your eyes. Notice the texture of her skin.
This is listening.
3. Create Intentional Connection With Intentional Touch
A woman’s body opens to the depth of presence in a man’s touch. Instead of rushing or trying to make something happen, slow down and really feel the connection through intentional touch. Make every touch a form of communication. A transmission of devotion, love, admiration, curiosity, safety. Play with different pressures, various strokes – notice how she responds to different types of touch.
When we tune in to a partner’s experience we can develop an incredible ability to read and respond to the subtle energetic shifts of our lover.
This is responding.
Listening And Responding Deepens Intimacy And Connection
The art of listening and responding, goes beyond being a better lover and better sex, it deepens connection and intimacy within relationships by:
- Deepening emotional connection: When you are tuned-in to your partner and able to respond in a way that resonates with them, it builds stronger emotional bonds.
- Enhancing physical pleasure: By staying present tuning into your partner’s body, emotions and energy, you can amplify physical sensations and deepen physical and sexual intimacy.
- Improving communication: With improved listening, partners often find they can communicate more clearly and compassionately.
- Integrating trust and safety: When you consistently respond to your partner in a way that resonates with them, trust and safety grows naturally.
True intimacy is a dance between two energies. The masculine and the feminine. You can only ever go as far as the feminine opens, and her openness as far as your presence.
As men your role in this dance goes beyond action, beyond doing something to her, it is in the ability to be fully present, to slow down and to listen to the subtle undercurrents and ripples of her body. By tuning-in and responding to her unique rhythm a space is created for expansive pleasure.
This level of awareness and presence transforms not only the act of making love but the entire dynamic of relationships, allowing both partners to experience deeper, safer and more fulfilling connections.
