In the journey of relationships, if we require and desire depth to the connection – intimacy is a cornerstone, and foundational for growth, expansion and fulfilment.
David Deida’s “Dear Lover: A Woman’s Guide to Men, Sex, and Love’s Deepest Bliss” delicately unpacks the intricacies of intimacy, and serves as a guide for women when it comes to relationships, men, sex and our hearts.
This book has seen me consistently return to its pages over time. At varying stages of my life; single, partnered, seeking a lover. His words and this book have had such a special and potent way of reaching and softening my heart. I often use his words as a tool for remembrance, especially when I observe any hardness starting to make its way back to the edges of my heart. Or I question my yearning and deepest desire to be met fully with an open heart.
If there was one book I could recommend to women, either seeking guidance on intimacy with self or with a partner, it would be this book – Dear Lover by David Deida.
Key Themes Explored:
Understanding Vulnerability as Strength to Cultivate Meaningful Connections
David challenges conventional notions of strength and invites readers to embrace vulnerability as the gateway to deeper intimacy. In a world often glorifying emotional detachment and self-sufficiency, this perspective serves as a gentle reminder of the power of authenticity and openness in cultivating meaningful connections.
Embracing Authentic Expression for Deeper Intimacy
David encourages readers to honour their true desires, emotions, and boundaries, fostering an environment where openness and honesty can flourish. By embracing authenticity, individuals can create a space where vulnerability is met with acceptance and understanding, paving the way for deeper intimacy and connection.
Cultivating Presence and Awareness for the Attunement to One’s Experience
Central to the exploration of intimacy is the cultivation of presence and awareness. David emphasises the importance of being fully present in the moment, allowing oneself to be attuned to the subtleties of one’s own experience and that of their partner. Through practices such as mindfulness and deep listening, individuals can deepen their connection with themselves and their partners, transcending the limitations of the ego.
Embodying Feminine Radiance and Your Inherent Essence
“Dear Lover” celebrates the radiant beauty of the feminine essence, inviting women to embrace their inherent gifts and strengths. Through practices such as embodiment and self-care, women can reconnect with their feminine essence, cultivating a sense of self-love and empowerment that enriches their relationships. By embracing their feminine radiance, women can inspire a deepening of intimacy and connection in their interactions with others.
Dear Lover” by David Deida serves as a poignant reminder of the profound beauty and depth inherent in intimate connection.
“Dear Lover by David Deida delves into the rich tapestry of spiritual intimacy from a feminine perspective. Covering a spectrum of topics including sexuality, relationships, career, and emotions, Deida’s work encapsulates the essence of love as a transformative art form. Presented as a series of heartfelt letters from a man to his beloved, this internationally renowned author extends an invitation to embrace love as a dynamic practice. Within these pages, readers are guided on a journey to discern and select partners of integrity who can fulfill the desires of their body, heart, and soul.”
Chapter 10: “Offering and Betraying Your Heart”
I would love to speak about chapter 10 in particular “Offering and Betraying Your Heart”. This chapter shares about the closing and betraying of our hearts. And what this can look like from a man’s perspective and a woman’s perspective… and when we do begin to offer our hearts, love can permeate every aspect of our lives.
When Men Betray Their Hearts ~ They Become More Ambiguous and Less Present
When a man’s heart is hidden behind protective barriers, he loses touch with his true purpose and direction in life, succumbing to comfort and security while denying his deepest gifts to both you and the world. This inner conflict weighs heavily on him, causing immense suffering as he grapples with the fear of abandoning familiarity with the unknown. His reluctance to confront his deepest truths hinders his ability to offer genuine love and commitment. Consequently, his consciousness becomes dulled by layers of fear, numbing him to the depth of his emotions and leaving him isolated in his world. This disconnect permeates all aspects of intimacy, rendering sexual encounters shallow and devoid of true connection, as his heart remains imprisoned by self-imposed barriers.
Read the article: The Benefits of Tantric Massage for Men – on how Tantric Bodywork can support men who are challenged with sensuality, intimacy and sexual expression and how it empowers men to navigate their physical experiences more comfortably.
When Women Betray Their Hearts ~ They Become Bodily Stressed and Heart-Closed
To shield yourself from your partner’s emotional detachment and lack of awareness, you’ve constructed protective barriers around your heart and body. Your intimate encounters are marked by resistance and mechanicality, as you struggle to connect amidst his disconnectedness. Despite attempts to open up, you’re met with dismissal and criticism, leaving you feeling invalidated and alone in your emotional depth. Your partner’s lack of presence and authenticity weighs heavily on you, compelling you to numb your sensitivity in self-defence. Over time, you’ve grown accustomed to suppressing your desires and emotions, settling for a superficial relationship devoid of true intimacy. This cycle of betrayal and compromise perpetuates a sense of separation and disconnection, trapping both you and your partner in a state of stagnation. Yet, amidst this turmoil, there lies the potential for profound transformation. By dismantling your protective barriers and embracing vulnerability, you can reclaim your capacity for genuine love and connection. As you courageously open yourself to the possibility of boundless love, you pave the way for a profound reunion of hearts, transcending the limitations of self-reliance and embracing the transformative power of divine love in its purest form.
“Dear Lover, As much as I love you, we are not alone. Through loving you. I have learned to open my heart and feel everyone’s heart. Their love is my love, as is yours. Their suffering is my suffering, as is yours. Just as I am committed to loving you open to God, I am compelled to claim the world as my lover who I must do my best to enter and open to god.
I am afraid at times, to enter you and the world. I shrivel and seek refuge in private comforts. I can feel your response to my offering or my lack. When I shrink and hold back my gifts, your face shows pain. When I feel through my fear and offer everything I can for the sake of opening you and the world of God, then your face shines with love’s brightness.
I see everything in you. I see my fear and courage reflected in your face, but I also feel everyone’s resistance and invitation reflected in your body. You are so sensitive, dera lover. Your body is so ready to open into the shape of your surroundings. But with me and others, you have been enriched by love’s lack. I can feel years of love’s absence still hardened in your body, and I so want to feel you open and receive my love.”
The chapter begins by dispelling the notion propagated by fairy tales that finding the right partner and meeting their needs guarantees everlasting love. Instead, it confronts the reality love is not always dependable, and partners may either stray or remain emotionally distant, leaving their significant other longing for a deeper connection.
The narrative explores the subtle suffering experienced by individuals trapped in relationships where one or both partners fail to authentically engage. Men, in particular, are portrayed as succumbing to a sense of purposelessness and numbness, often sacrificing their deepest desires for comfort and security. This inner turmoil leads to an erosion of presence and authenticity, leaving them disconnected from themselves and their partners.
Women, on the other hand, are depicted as bearing the burden of emotional suppression and bodily stress in a bid to protect themselves from their partner’s indifference. Their hearts and bodies become guarded, closing off to the possibility of true intimacy amidst a sea of unmet needs and unfulfilled desires.
The chapter highlights the detrimental effects of settling for shallow love and purpose, where both partners compromise their deepest truths in exchange for a semblance of stability. It paints a picture of mutual betrayal, where individuals betray their own hearts by withholding their deepest gifts of love from each other and the world.
Both men and women can learn to offer their hearts. When we as women learn to delicately bring down the walls surrounding our hearts this allows us to receive the nourishment we so deeply yearn for and in return give our love. Then with practice and time, we can open to our lovers intimately and sexually, in a shared journey of love and devotion, and then further beyond open our hearts to all of life.
Embodying love, living as love and allowing love to permeate every aspect of your existence.
